Madame or Mademoiselle ? A Delicate Question šŸ’

Author: Camille Chevalier-Karfis

Itā€™s often hard to decide whether you should use “madame” or “mademoiselle” in French. Of course, you know the basic rule: married: use madame, not married: say mademoiselle. However the reality is much more subtle than that.

1 ā€“ Madame or Mademoiselle = Madame In Official Writing

There has been a lot of talks about Mademoiselle versus Madame lately, but mostly on how to address a woman when writing a letter, especially when you have to fill in an official form, or for a subscription or something like that.

If the fact that you are a man or a woman can be relevant to the said subscription, your marital status ā€“ married or single ā€“ often isnā€™t: and is seen by some as an invasion of privacy.

Actually, France Prime Minister Mr Fillon banned the use of Mademoiselle in 2012 from legal documents.

Therefore administrative forms and official documents do not use Mademoiselle any longer in writing.

By the way, the abbreviation for ā€œMadameā€ is ā€œMmeā€. The abbreviation for ā€œMademoiselleā€ is ā€œMlleā€. You donā€™t have to use the abbreviation: read more about this in my article on how to write French letters.

2 ā€“ Madame or Mademoiselle = Very Much a Question When Speaking

It is however considered much more polite in French to follow a ā€œbonjour / bonsoir / merciā€ by ā€œmonsieur, madame or mademoiselleā€ when you speak.

Itā€™s a bit old school, but still VERY encouraged (although not adding a title is not impolite per se).

So the Madame versus Mademoiselle dilemma remains intact when speakingā€¦ and thatā€™s what Iā€™m going to explain now.

3 ā€“ The Correct Pronunciation of Mademoiselle and Madame in French

First, please let me clarify the French pronunciation of both words, since I hear many mistakes on them.

  1. Do not say the first ā€œeā€ in mademoiselle.
    Itā€™s [mad mwa zel] in French.
    You may even hear an even more glided pronunciation [mamzel] but itā€™s a bit extreme and not very sophisticated at all. I suggest you stick with [madmwazel].
  2. For Madame, itā€™s kind of the same as in English except that the 2 A have the same strength: we donā€™t make a syllable stronger over the other one, and then we end on a strong M sound. [madam].

By the way, the plural forms are ā€œmesdemoisellesā€ and ā€œmesdamesā€.

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Now letā€™s see how we use Madame versus Mademoiselle when we speak.

4 ā€“ Very Young Girl = Always Mademoiselle

In France, no one would dream of calling a twelve years old ā€œmadameā€. It would just sound really out of place.

You may check ā€œmadameā€ as the ā€œlegalā€ status on an official form, but thatā€™s not how youā€™d address a young girl.

So please understand the difference between official mail / status and the way we speak. When we speak in French, we still very much use Mademoiselle for young girls and young ladies.

The other clear answer depends on the marital status of the woman.

5 ā€“ Married = Madame / Not Married = Mademoiselle

The basic rule is simple. If the woman is married, you should say ā€œmadameā€ (even if she is a widow: once married, always ā€œmadameā€.)

If she isnā€™t, you should say ā€œmademoiselleā€.

6 ā€“ What If You Donā€™t Know the Womanā€™s Marital Status?

But what if you donā€™t know?

Look at her finger and see if she wears a ringā€¦

And if you cannot see, well, then this is what I personally do:

  • If the woman looks under, say 25, especially if she looks young, I use ā€œmademoiselleā€.
  • Over 25 or so, I personally use ā€œmadameā€.

But donā€™t worry, half of the time I also wonder whether I got it right!

And, despite all this fuss and this long article, itā€™s actually no big deal really! Most women would not even think twice about it!

7 ā€“ Cultural Tips and Controversy About Madame Versus Mademoiselle

When madame is used too soon

Some younger French women may be surprised by the use of ā€œmadameā€ when speaking French when they donā€™t expect itā€¦  it makes them feel old: The reaction is ā€œhow old do you think I am if you call me madame ?ā€.

Sometimes madame, sometimes mademoiselle

When we are in our twenties, weā€™re quite accustom to hearing people address us as sometimes ā€œmademoiselleā€, sometimes ā€œmadameā€ā€¦ The confusion may last in your thirtiesā€¦

Then one day you become ā€œmadameā€ forever ā€“ LOL ā€“ just like in the US when waiters stop asking for your ID when serving a drink. Thatā€™s it. Youā€™re obviously old!

Itā€™s true that this little word is quite powerful since itā€™s undoubtedly linked to the perception people have of you: the age they think you areā€¦ but itā€™s not only a question of ageā€¦

Mademoiselle forever

Although itā€™s no longer very common, some spinsters may insist on the use of ā€œmademoiselleā€. This is typical for an older school teacher who has devoted her entire life to her students for example, and wants to make a point she scarified her own personal life for her passion.

What are they trying to prove? That theyā€™ve lived a life without man. So, Catholic morals mixing with woman rights, in some cases even gay rights. Powerful stuff!

And bottom line, that whatā€™s it is all about: ā€œune demoiselleā€ has not been with a man. Soā€¦ that applies to young girls of course, and to woman of age whoā€¦ well if you follow the Catholic morals, were not married and therefore were never intimate with a man.

Such a sexist way of looking at women

Now letā€™s try to use that filter.

If we follow the logic above, then when looking at a women, one should wonder ā€œcould she have been sexually activeā€¦.ā€
Yes = madame,
No = mademoiselle.

Charming.

As I said, some spinster are very proud of being called ā€œMademoiselleā€, whereas for another woman, it can be hurtful. Either way, itā€™s super sexist. Yet deeply ingrained in the French culture.

The first time I was called madame

The first time I was called ā€œmadameā€, I was riding the Paris subway and I was fourteenā€¦ It came to me as a shock!

Granted, the boy who called me ā€œmadameā€ was probably ten himself, and I may have looked like ā€œa womanā€ to himā€¦

So shocked, flattered, embarrassedā€¦ All this because of a title of politeness!

Using madame or mademoiselle to flirt

Now, if you are a man, and say ā€œbonjour mademoiselleā€ to a 45 year-old, you could sound flirtatiousā€¦

However, there is a silver lining: if you did say ā€œbonjour madameā€ and  the said 45 year-old woman answered with a big smile: ā€œnon, mademoiselleā€, then, she is flirting with you!

You will find more tips such as this one in my audio lesson about Politeness and Greetings.

You may also be interested in this article: why French women donā€™t date ā€“ the French dating system explained.

Author: Camille Chevalier-Karfis

Camille Chevalier-Karfis

Born and raised in Paris, I have been teaching today's French to adults for 25+ years in the US and France. Based on my students' goals and needs, I've created unique downloadable French audiobooks focussing on French like it's spoken today, for all levels. Come to Paimpol and enjoy an exclusive French immersion homestay with me in Brittany.

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